In the last week my relationship with God has been a thing of question several times. It's actually a very seldom discussed topic and I choose to do this intentionally. As with everything else in my life, my religion, spirituality, or belief system is my own and I am a very private person. I may have mentioned before that the intent of this blog is to try an work on being vulnerable, so I will attempt to discuss my relationship with God a little. This is mine. This is not a debate. This is not out there to question. This is not out there to tell you that your belief system is wrong or should be like mine. This is an intimate personal relationship that I am putting on paper and sharing. I am simply choosing to write about it at this time because it has been the topic of conversation at least four separate times since July 4th so I am sensing a theme that should perhaps be addressed.
I have long considered myself a scholar of people. I find them fascinating. The irony here is that I currently have debilitating social anxiety, so as you can imagine interaction is somewhat of a chore. The study of people, on the other hand is extraordinary. The stories of every culture throughout time weaves a giant human cloak of intrigue. If you put them all together you can see how vastly similar most peoples have been throughout time and how we have evolved. How humans have used stories and perceptions to move societies and bend the wills of cultures over and over again. I have made it a personal hobby, and an formal educational pursuit to learn as much as I can about why humans behave the way they do and the stories that have influenced both individual and societal behaviors. In order to have a greater understanding of what we as a species truly look like one must both understand factual and fictional impacts of culture, biological impacts both internal and external, social impacts both immediate and external, and an understanding of cultures across the world. My belief system takes into account that I am not alone, nor do I live in a singular bubble where I have the only view point that could possibly be of any credence.
That said there are too many different people and cultures who have long believed in some form of spiritual higher power for me to honestly think that it's not possible for one to exist. Additionally, the entire purpose of faith is to believe in something you cannot prove the existence of. So, I do. It is not my job to prove it, nor do I want to, nor am I going to. I am also not going to argue this point. Again, THE WHOLE POINT OF BELIEF IN A HIGHER POWER IS BLIND FAITH. That IS the definition of faith.
On Faith: Mine has been shaken of late. I'm still debating and questioning how much is appropriate to write on the internet at this point. Feelings can get hurt when you write about other people, but this is my story, and unfortunately, as I mentioned previously I don't live in a bubble, so other people impact and are a part of my story. The problem is that it's their story to tell as well, and I don't want to breech any boundaries. So, I am still navigating this. Bare with me while I do this….Point is life is hard. Really, really fucking hard. Every time I turn around there is a new thing to remind me that I "just can't do it" and yet I'm still supposed to keep on doing it. So, when my friend wants to talk religion with me and is excited about it, this reminds me that maybe I should pray once in awhile. Maybe I should let go. Maybe I should have faith and understand that the answers will come even if they aren't what I want them to be. I do okay with this for awhile usually. But when I am bombarded with shit constantly I tend to lose sight of what it feels like to surrender and have faith. And forget and work myself into a tizzy I do. I excel at this….
On death: So, I'm laying half asleep one morning (right after we lose our health insurance for a couple of months) and I'm rubbing my arm and I feel a lump. When I wake up I check to make sure that wasn't figment of my half awake imagination. It's not. I understand that there is a high probability it's not cancerous, but I have no way of finding out right now. Next moment of truth to question my belief: within 48 hours my son comes to me and says that he has to believe in God because he doesn't want to believe that we don't go anywhere when we die. This turns into a conversation about what God means to me and what I believe God is. "I believe God is everything around us. God is everything good. God is love and sometimes I forget that…. that God wants good things to happen for us." At this point I start crying. As I said before my faith has been horribly shaken recently and I'm not feeling like much good can come from the things going on around me. This is a big deal. Another well kept secret is that as a teenager I considered going to divinity school and becoming a minister. This is how much my relationship with God has meant to me throughout my life. I'm really struggling.
Life in Limbo: There have been a few other conversations, etc, but the general gist is that right now I have not a single clue what I am doing. I cry when I pray. I want so badly for the answers to come to me now, but I know better, because that is not faith. Faith is knowing that I will get my answers when I need them not when I want them. I HAVE to believe this, because without that faith, right now I would have nothing to hold me together while everything else shatters around me. It's like trying to make sense of a shattered mirror image inside my world right now… There's a general image that you basically get what it's supposed to be, but you can't quite put it together.