Today I went and saw Elijah for the first time during his second stay at Seattle Children’s. That place is fucking depressing… The staff are amazing for sure, and maybe it’s just the fact that I am not as hopeful this time since we are back doing this a second time. Or maybe it’s the fact that I now it’s not the last time I will be going and seeing my son at a behavioral health facility. I asked for a referral to a long term care facility this time. I think Elijah is beyond what I am capable of helping with at this time. I’m really struggling with being supportive, The doctors call and want to know what my thoughts are on his behavior and I have to admit that I haven’t gone to see him.
His dad has though… Jerome has been great. He’s always so sad for Elijah when he leaves. It breaks his heart. I almost wonder if my heart has been broken too many times by these boys and that’s why you can’t see the heartbreak anymore…Maybe that’s why I don’t see it anymore, because I don’t want to feel the heartbreak. There’s too much scar tissue now. I almost feel numb though.
I did see him today. It was a good visit. He seems better. But I’m not optimistic. I feel like I should be, but I was last time and it was false hope apparently. He was doing really well a few days in last time. And here we are again two months later. This time he has torn up his little arms and beaten himself up and I am more broken and so is he. How many times do we do this? I feel so lost because he’s beyond my help and I don’t know what to do for him.
I didn’t know what to do for Damian and I fought too hard by myself because I thought asking for help or sending him away was giving up and now he’s worse for wear. I can’t do it again. Being a mother is truly awful… I wouldn’t trade it honestly, but moments like these remind me how much it hurts to love.